Nope Mojo didn’t get burned up. He’s on an island called Coronado, well sort of an island, that’s across from downtown San Diego. We actually had a couple evacuees staying here in the studio. The big fires got me to thinking about a question. What would you take?
If the fires are coming and you can only take one thing, (not talking about your relatives, your dog or your grandma) one inanimate object.
Call 1866-4 RAWDOG
I’d take, well I have a second part of the question. Did you see the president? Yes, Bush came out to SD because of the fires. Talked to firefighters and people who evacuated. Well he was here in San Diego and it’s 11 o’clock and I invited him here to do the show, but he’s apparently busy. Even though the show is named after him. Even though he’s the inspiration for the show. Claims he was busy. Had he come on Lyin’ Cocksuckers, I’d have another question.
What would you ask Bush? If you could ask him any question and he didn’t have any notes or a press secretary, what would you ask him?
I know there are a lot of obvious questions. My first thought was “Mr. President, you have lied us into an unnecessary and unwinnable war, you’ve le our true enemies escape, are you not a lyin’ cocksucker who should be castrated so he can’t reproduce.” That was the first question, but maybe I should make it more of a simple question. “What the fuck is your plan in Iraq?”
I know some of you are thinking, “I don’t know what I’d ask the president.” Well I have some topics for you. How about Iraq, warrantless wiretaps, immigration, the war on drugs, gay marriage, bin Laden, healthcare for kids, global warming, even Scooter Libby, Mormons, the military, abortion, abstinence, the budget, Blackwater, Gitmo, Jeff Gordon, oil, Iran, Islamic Jihadism, wide stance, high crimes and misdemeanors, and even, why do the Democrats suck so bad.
I’m Mojo Nixon and I think I know what I’d ask. “Mr. President, how does Dick Cheney’s dick taste?” Oh you’re offended? I have a follow-up question, “do you ever get those peanuts in your teeth? Whose peanuts are those anyway?”
I’ve been in San Diego on and off for the past 25-30 years and every few years there is one of these fires. Every 15 years or so there’s a bad fire due to the Santa Ana winds. I know what I would take. If my house was on fire and I could only take one thing. I’d take my number one guitar. It’s a 1964 Gild T-100 hollow body electric guitar. It has the single coil pickups and everything in it has been replaced, but I played it every night on stage for nearly 20 years. It is on every album I’ve ever made. I’ve sold a bunch over the years, but I still have this one. I have a red one. A red Harmony Rocket, and I probably played that more because it sits next to the couch where Mojo’s camped out most of the time. I play it more, but I’d keep my number one guitar. Looks like the Chuck Berry or George Thorogood guitar. I’d leave behind my Foghorn Leghorn collection. I have over 200 pieces in the collection, each one unique. I’d leave that behind. I have a painting by Evil Knievel, I’d leave that behind. I have an actual Elvis belt, made by Mike McGreggor in Memphis TN, I’d leave that. I have a painting, a drawing, a lithograph by J Ward. The guy who did Rocky and Bullwinkle and Mr. Peabody. It’s hanging in my bathroom. I’d leave that behind. I’d leave it all behind. I’ve got ukuleles, mandolins and all kind of things I’d leave behind.
Its just stuff that can be replaced. A few years ago I had to move from San Diego to Cincinnati and I sold a bunch of stuff. A bunch of books and records. You don’t need these things . You come into the world with nothing and you leave with nothing. It is just stuff.
Darren in NM
Darren – Darren has his radio on in the background
M – I’ve got the NJ Wookie running the board there. Shawn
Scott in OH
Scott – How you doin’.
M – you must not have something hooked up right because I’m not hearing them (Mojo is missing the caller audio). If you’re on hold, stay on hold, if not call in. Lets take a quick comedy break.
Lifelock commercial they give a 1MM guarantee that your identity won’t be stolen. They aim to prevent identity theft.
Medical hair restoration commercial
Song - This land is your land
More comedy clips
Spending another evening alone? Never be alone again with bitchtalk.com
Oh, there’s going to be some ranting and raving. Sorry for the technical snafu, I don’t know what the hell happened. I’m broadcasting from San Diego CA and if anyone asks where the fires are, well I’m fine. But the show goes to NYC through some kind of tube (ISDN line) and then up to the satellite. I’m not sure if the show was off the air or anything, but I couldn’t hear anything. I think it has something to do with the questions I asked re Bush, “How does Dick Cheney’s dick taste?”
No names on these phones here
Nick in TX
Nick – I’d take my pants
M – laughs. What would you ask the president?
N – Did he graduate high school or is he just a fucking moron?
M – laughs again. Bush is what he appears to be. A spoiled rich kid who’s the son of a spoiled rich kid. He’s never done well, and was just smart enough to be dumb.
Mel in MI
Mel – Laptop, it has my business stuff on it and a bunch of pornos.
Mo – I bet your laptop has those special videos doesn’t it?
Me – yea
Mo – Got the old wrist breaker on there.
Me – the old five knuckle shuffle
Mo – Now what’s your one question. I was hoping he’d come on my show. He wouldn’t have his press secretary or notes with him.
Me – I’d ask, knowing you’re so damn stupid, would you tell me if it really truly hurts to be stupid.
Mo – Bush is inscrutable. I spent the first two years of Lyin’ Cocksuckers trying to figure out why we went to Iraq. I had a whole list of possible reasons. None made any sense.
Me – He just wanted to show he had balls.
Mo - he was just swinging his big dick of military might.
Me – that’s about all he could swing.
Dick in Detroit
Dick – I’d take my motorcycle to get the hell away from the fires
M – Got a good motorcycle there?
D – A three wheeler.
M – so you’re resting on that thing. Did you build it?
D – yea, everything I put together except the motor.
M – what kind of motor
D – ’67 Harley
M – can you do wheelies in it, or do you flip over?
D – No, it doesn’t have that much power, it is just a looker
M – more for show than go. Plus if it is that big, you could probably load a few things on it. Now what would you ask.
D – since I’m a trucker, I’d ask whose idea it was to let all these foreigners into the country driving trucks.
M – you’re talking about the NAFTA and Mexican drivers coming across the boarder
D – You bet I am.
M – think it was Mexican politicians that paid off the American politicians?
D – I don’t know, someone got fat over that deal and it wasn’t the truck drivers.
M – are the trucking companies saving money by paying drivers less
D – I think they are. Someone is getting rich and it isn’t the driver
M – the one way to find what’s going on is to follow the money. Thanks for calling in on Manifold, no Lyin’ Cocksuckers.
Justin in TN
Justin – Doing well
M - I had a little mental breakdown there and was yelling at everyone. My connection to NY went down. I don’t know if you could hear me, but I was yelling. But I’m okay now.
J – I’d take my Stormy Daniels (http://www.clubstormydaniels.com/) “block of pussy” that I bought off the Bubba Show.
M – now what’s that?
J – It’s a replica of a porn star’s pussy
M – now is this for looking or using
J – its for whatever you want
M – is it made out of some rubbery flexible material, or is it hard and rough.
J – it is just like a pussy. Nice and rubbery
M – does it smell like a pussy?
J – I don’t know. I haven’t smelled it. I’ve looked at it and poked it with my finger, but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with it.
M – I was in Denver CO and this girl was coming on to me, and I thought we were going to be doing it and I tell you what. She took her pants off and I could smell it in the other room. I don’t know if she had some sort of yeast problem or something. It smelt like a can of cat food that’d been sitting out in the sun for a few days. And then, later on, she’s like all over me and pushing my head down there. And I’m like all bending my neck trying to keep my head up
J – I’m a truck driver, and there’s a place that I pick up at a lot and this lady, I don’t know if she’s menopausing or what but she’d walk by for 6-7 months and you’d just be like what’s wrong with this woman. Can’t she get a bar of soap or something?
M – you know sometimes they use a vinegar squirt gun. What’s your one question?
J – I’d just turn my back to him and walk away.
M – He done made you mad.
Comedy break – George Carlin
Back to the show. The fires came close, but I’m surrounded by water. It got me thinking of what I’d take. What would you take?
Randy in WA
Randy – I’d take my computer cause I’ve got like 10,000 photos on it and I’d hate to lose them.
M – special photos?
R – yea, family photos, friends and some porn. Got to have some of that too.
M – you have any super sick porn on there or normal naked women.
R – Just the normal stuff.
M – Everyone has a friend at work that is always trying to find the sickest thing for you to look at. I had this friend who found this woman blowing a horse. And she’s blowing the horse and then she swallows in and then like 10 seconds later pukes it up
R – That sounds like fun
M – You don’t have anything like that do you?
R – No, nothing like that.
M - what’s your question
R – When he was little and his mother used to rock him to sleep. How big a rock did she use?
M – must have been a bolder
R – oh it was large
Dallas in TX
D – I’d bring my pickup truck
M – is it a good one
D – it’s a Dodge Ram 1600 Diesel 4x4
M – you have any extra tires in the back?
D – I have a couple.
M – you have 4 wheels across the back or just some spare tires.
D – Just some spares, I have it all jacked up and it looks good and stuff. It’s my baby
M – what do you think of those new Toyotas? They’re trying to make a big manly truck.
D – Well, you can’t beat a Cummins.
M – Can’t beat that Detroit iron. What’s your question?
D – If he was paralyzed, wouldn’t he want them doing stem cell research so they could get him walking again?
M – that’s a valid point
D – other question is what were they thinking when they invoked the ADA rule. That hurts us people in wheelchairs more than helps.
M – what rules are those?
D – basically it gets to the point where any imbecile who can’t operate a phone can get a handicap plaque and park in a handicap spot.
M – you’re saying people who are just a little handicapped are taking advantage of it. Are you actually in a wheelchair? So you may actually need one of those spots. And someone with an eye patch is hogging up the spots.
D – Oh yea. I’m used to parking in the back of Wal-Mart and hauling my ass up the hill.
We don’t get many callers in wheelchairs. It is hard to shut me up, but Dallas there managed to do it.
Jim in MA
J – In Pittsfield MA.
M – you all winning the baseball game right now
J – was 2-1 last I looked. How about those Patriots though
M – Patriots? You mean the cheaters?
J – oh no. Can’t be like that.
M – does it matter at all if you go undefeated? They’re 7-0, going on 16-0. You can go 16-0 and not win the Super Bowl.
J – Well we almost did that a couple years ago. Even if we lose a couple, we’ll still go to where we need to be.
M – the playoff game will be out here in SD and this time we’re going to kick your all’s ass.
J – LT was running his mouth so bad, but he was crying like a bitch on the sideline.
M – this whole “they were dissing us” How about win the fucking game. That’s what I had to say to LT. Know how to shut them up, win the game. Score more points than the other team. Defeat their will to live and then they won’t be jumping up and down on your symbol. What is your one thing.
J – After I’m out of work. A 30 pack of Coors light.
M – You’ve got a 30 pack. There’s more than 24.
J – there’s more than one. I usually get three for on a Friday
M – This reminds me of Stroh’s. They used to do this. A 15 pack which was 3 more than a 12 pack.
J – I’m only 34, so I don’t remember that.
M – You trying to call me old Jim? Are you dissing your elders yet again? So you’d have your beer. What would ask the president after you’ve had a couple beers.
J – What were you thinking sending the US Army over there to do something that you know damn well that Dick Cheney said how many fucking years ago we did not and should not get involved in.
M – Oh you’ve got it right. The best quote I’ve heard about this is a Saudi Arabian ambassador. He said to someone, “Getting rid of Saddam Hussein cured one problem and created 5 more. “
J – I told my wife this, and she looked at me like I was crazy
M – All the wives do that. Mine’s looking at me like I’m crazy and I’m not even there.
J – I told her, taking that man out of power was the worst thing. That was when we first went there. She’s like no no no. I said you see what will happen. You’ve got three factions of people that hate each other for thousands of years.
M – yea, it goes back 1200 years. Goes back to Mohammed. When was that 1622 or something. Right after that there was a schism between two sects and they’re still mad about something.
J – this goes with Iraq and the other countries, but Bush wants to change this power balance. And we can’t force people into this
M – yes. You can’t teach democracy while pointing a gun at them.
J – Especially when they hate each other
M – they need to solve their own problems. That’s one of the things Hussein did because they were all mad at him
J – That’s because he had an iron fist unfortunately. But Bush pisses me off. I have a list on my refrigerator of every dead Marine and Army guy and in breaks my heart.
M – And the other thing is that there haven’t been as many deaths in this war. Cause of the increased use of medical technology and fast helicopters. So now we have a lot of guys who would have died are just all messed up. They have severe head trauma. They are alive, but they ain’t doing good.
J – They’re a vegetable.
M – Jim I’m sorry we’re losing you (bad connection)
Ken in Canada
K – I’m around Toronto
M – Not too cold there yet.
K – No not in igloos yet wearing our parkas.
M – In San Diego when it gets below 50 degrees, people put on winter jackets with fur.
K – I’ve been down there and seen it happen.
M – what would you take?
K – a baseball bat to beat your president
M – I wonder what kind of question you have for him there.
K – Well it has something to do with his sex life. Is he not getting anything that great in his bedroom because he seems to have no problem going out and fucking the rest of his country over.
M – you mean he’s screwing the whole world
K – exactly, he must not have much respect for Barbara if he’s out doing that. [ Mojo misses that the current president’s wife is Laura]
M – I’ve been against this war from the start, but everyone was an enabler. They tricked us with 9/11 that Saddam Hussein had something to do with bin Laden when there was nothing.
K – we see that going on here in Canada and we see our guys going in and dying for the cause and we sit there with our hands up wondering what the hell is going on and what are we doing there.
M – not only was it stupid to go in in the first place. The question now is which shitty sandwich are you going to eat.
Comedy break with Richard Pryor
Looking to spice things up in the bedroom. Go to AdamEve.Com
Spending another evening alone? Have an eye to eye conversation with women from around the world. Go to Bitchtalk.com
Steve in WI
S – I’m up in the sticks. We get two country stations and a fuzzy oldies station. That’s why I got satellite.
M – So you’re up near Bumfuck WI.
S – yea right next door to Egypt.
M – if the fire was coming what would you take?
S – My wife and my dog
M – no I said earlier, inanimate objects.
S – Oh, my 74 Buick
M – what kind of Buick is it
S – a Regal Coupe
M – what kind of engine is in it?
S -455 big block.
M -455? What does it get like 2 gallons to the mile
S – something like that. Stepping on the gas is like flushing the toilet.
M – That may have a little pickup?
S – yup
M – how fast will it go?
S – About 140.
M – What’s the suspension on that thing. If you’re going 140 in a 1974 Buick, I hope you fixed the suspension a little bit.
S – it’s beefed up a little bit
M – It gets exciting. Everything after 100 is exciting.
S – you’ve got that right
M – now what would you ask the president.
S – I’d slap him first, then as how he justifies cutting off the funds for the kids’ insurance.
M – The S-chip insurance bill
S – yea, how does he justify that and at the same time give the oil companies billions in tax cuts and watch 12 billion vanish in Iraq.
M – There’s spending, we’re spending 8-10 billion a month in Iraq. We can’t spend 1/10th here to help the kids. The other thing with Iraq is that if we were going there for the oil, why isn’t gas 75 cents.
S – We went to Iraq to keep Saddam from selling his oil on the market cheap. This way the big oil companies could set the prices wherever they wanted them. If he sold cheap, the big 3 would have to sell cheap too.
M – you saying we got fucked both ways.
S – the pain of it is, we’re smart enough to know it.
M – we need to be smarter than this. Invading Iraq was the wrong idea.
Kenny in AZ
K – I’d take my wallet.
M – You’re pretty smart.
K – well I’m old
M – you older than me?
K – well I’m way older than you.
M – I’m glad I’m not the only guy up this late.
K – I’m as old as Capt. Beefhart and Frank Zappa.
M – They’re from up there in northern CA
K – Yup, Antelope Valley Joint Union HS
M - See I know a little about something. What would you ask him.
K – how the fuck he can look himself in the mirror each morning
M – he claims in this book that came out about a month ago that he has all this self doubt, but he never shows it in public
K – that’s Karl Rove’s self doubt.
M – their official line is that they think history will validate what he’s done. History will crucify him. He’ll be an example of how not to be a president.
K – where’s the good assassinators when you need them
M – don’t get me in trouble.
Smitty in CT
S – I’d grab some pictures of your family
M – well you’d probably have your family with you
S – well I’ve lost some of my family. My sister died in a car accident a few years ago.
M – a friend of mine who is a TV news guy had to cover his own house burning down. And he lived out in the boonies on the edge of development, just where the fires would come through the canyons. He said the one thing he regretted not getting were the home movies of his son playing baseball and stuff like that. But it would be hard to replace them, but someone else probably has a copy of them. And those people are still alive in your heart.
S – yea, big time
M – when I had to move to Cincinnati for a job. No one here in San Diego would hire me and apparently my reputation preceded me. I had all this junk. I’d lived in the same house for almost 20 years. And I realized just get rid of it. I sold all my records and CD’s and gave a bunch away. All I need is a good guitar. Now what would you ask the president.
S – How can someone who is so fucking stupid become the president of the US. He’s a dumb fuck and a lying fuck. I love this show and I agree with a lot of the stuff you’re saying. You’re opening my mind that there’s someone who agrees with a lot of the same stuff I do.
M – the thing is, is he stupid or is he being puppet mastered by evil people with an evil plan, or is he one of the evil fucks with an evil plan.
S – I can’t stand listening to him talk. I just turn off the TV when he comes on.